Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"