You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.